If you are reading this it is highly likely you have failed a few times in your relationships. Maybe you’ve even been divorced once or twice and you are finding yourself asking “how is it that I can nail building a successful business – and all the complexity of relationships that this requires – but not in love?”
The answer to this question is very simple and I will explain exactly why.
Before I do, it is important to understand how you have got to this point in your life. Why? Because life leaves clues!
So let’s take a look; I am guessing, even if you are not divorced, you have not had the easiest journey when it comes to keeping the wife happy, right? You have tried everything. Provided her with all she could want and she just seems cold, angry, disconnected or all of the above.
It never started that way; in the beginning, before you had anything, she was light, bright and glowed. The sex was incredible and you were enough for her.
As the years went on and you became more successful and, possibly at the same time as the children came along, things changed. She became distant, you became less of her focus. She was distracted or tired. Often criticizing or telling you where you were going wrong. Making you feel as though you can’t win, nothing you were doing was good enough. You just couldn’t win. And at the same time you noticed a hardness in her face, she lost her glow.
Life at home becomes effortful and, instead of it being a place of sanctuary and peace, the house becomes a place of conflict. This presents in more ways than one. Silence or screaming, you never quite know which one you are going to be greeted with as you turn the key.
In fact, it becomes so exhausting that you prefer to be at work and find yourself delaying coming home. Spending more and more time at work and who can blame you? Why would you want to go home to be made to feel small, when at work you are a king?
Besides, there are no ‘french’ benefits anymore either!
There is no point, you can’t win anyway.
If any (or all) of the above resonates, here are the 3 S’s of what will occur next:
Settle – You stay and become a silent roommate and lose who you are. I know this is happening when I hear my executive clients say “I lost my manhood” or “I have lost who I am”. Their beliefs on marriage, upbringing or simply their internal rules on ‘failing’ keep them in a miserable existence and they just get their wins at work.
Separate – You leave and blame the wife for changing you, never learning how to solve this problem and you go on repeating this same pattern over and over again. Not realising that the common denominator is YOU.
Stray – You have an affair because your need for physical and emotional connection becomes too overwhelming for you to ignore. The animal instinct takes over.
Does this sound familiar to you?
You may have even experienced this several times already; with the same woman or different women.
All 3 S’s just put a plaster on the wound, they don’t actually heal the wound.
Now we have established what the problem is and the outcomes that most CEO’s ‘choose’ let’s talk about the 4th S.
Solve – This is the man who decided to learn and understand the best relationship. He gets an education and actually heals the wound rather than putting a plaster on it.
So what is the solution? How do you stop yourself from repeating history?
Well, first, know it is only the top 1% who are prepared to go here. If you have read this far then I want to congratulate you as you are in that top 1% just by you reading this.
Here is the solution:
Understand that she didn’t change you, you decided to change to make her happy. You can’t make her happy – only she can.
Your job is to be you and grow in your manhood. Be more of you and she will love you even more. You ‘be’ more for you first, then her and finally the relationship.
The solution is so simple, yet the execution is where the effort is required.
The next question is why do CEO’s, who are kings at work, turn into mice as soon as they walk in the door?
This is such a fascinating thing. Having worked with many high-level CEO’s (and being married to one) there is a trend that I have noticed.
CEO’s are unique beasts in their own way but very often they have shared characteristics:
Drive and tenacity beyond the vast majority of people.
Willing to dedicate the extraordinary energy, effort and time it takes to become a CEO.
Extremely high standards and rules for their perfect life.
Huge fear/frustration of failing.
These characteristics are incredible for success at work, but can create problems in relationships if you are not conscious of them and have strategies of how to ‘switch’ from being CEO to a husband / partner.
Here is what I mean…
There have been times in my marriage – at the beginning – where my man would talk to me like one of his employees or clients – this showed up via:
- His tone
- Interrupting me
- Finishing my sentences before me
- Taking charge without asking my opinion
- Overruling or undermining my decisions
Do any of these sound familiar?
See, you are not alone.
The list above will make your women/wife want to:
- Control you
- Criticise you
- Close you off
- Keep sex from you
It’s her way of taking back control.
So how do you fix it?
One simple word…
I know it is hard to believe it could be that ‘simple’, but when was the last time you really listened without interrupting her?
Do you try to get your point of view across or assume you know where she is going in the conversation and rush her to the end?
If you can master the art of listening without wanting to ‘fix the problem’ you will witness a massive change in her. Because of the change in YOU.
Think about the beginning of the relationship; how often did you ‘listen?’ Were you curious to get to know her? Of course you were!
Now, you might think I am a mind reader here, but I know what you are thinking… ‘all the above sounds fine Dimple, but she never stops talking!’
Well, the truth is, if you are not really listening, just waiting to talk instead of wanting to learn her point of view, then she will feel it.
And here is what will happen – she will keep talking!!!
Why? Because she thinks she hasn’t explained herself well enough and needs to either a) repeat it or b) explain in a different way until you understand!!
You not learning to listen actually delays the whole process.
So save yourself time, effort and your marriage
Listen to learn and learn to listen.
And that is how a true King leads at home.