Did you know that on average according to Louann Brizendine, founder and director of the University of California, San Francisco’s Women’s Mood and Hormone Clinic and published ‘The Female Brain’, states that women speak 20,000 words a day compared to men, who only speak 7,000.
So, why is it that men/ husbands on a daily basis hear ‘you are not listening?’ Or ‘you are not hearing me?’
The reason I want to address this in this article today is because in my opinion, it is the most frequently argued question couples have.
Gentlemen, I know this is very confusing because you can recall everything she has said, so clearly, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your hearing abilities.
So what then the hell is it? Why does she keep saying ‘I am not hearing her?’
In this article I am going to unpack the truth about how women can use almost 3 times as many words and not feel their message is heard by their beloved. Before I do, let me explain why and what understanding this concept will do for your relationships. In other words, what is the point in reading on?
Understanding this takes you from home help to hero for her and resulting in a much happier wife who can’t keep her hands off you!
What do you gain? Less tension, stress and anxiety in your relationship. Basically, Peace of mind.
Sounds like it’s worth reading on, doesn’t it?
Here we go – brace yourself what I am about to reveal is not rocket science but the implementation of it can be tricky at the beginning but, if the result is worth it then so is the effort.
The first thing you need to understand is that men and women have two different currencies of exchange. This means that men operate in ‘facts’ and women operate in ‘feelings’.
I hear the men say ‘well that doesn’t make any sense because ‘feelings’ are a thing?’ They aren’t measurable or objective? Whereas ‘facts’ you can hold and grab facts. They are tangible. They are ‘real’.
Let me demonstrate,
Male perspective: So the fact is ‘I heard every word!’
Female perspective: The feeling is ‘yes you did but I didn’t feel that you heard me.’
She knows you heard every word – fact! She knows you can repeat every word she said, she understands you can listen and there is nothing wrong with your ears. All these facts believe it or not she is fully aware of, though it may not seem like it in the moment.
So what is the problem because now this makes no logical sense? None whatsoever!
Well, now you understand that she deals in ‘feelings’ and you deal in ‘facts’. Why is this so relevant? Well, imagine if someone said that you were not financially successful even though it was a fact based on your bank account? And they continued to say that even though the fact is you are? They are questioning your currency, right? The facts.
Well, this is in fact, (excuse the pun) what you are doing when you tell her she is wrong because you heard everything and yes you were listening! Now breathe. I am coming to the point.
Because her currency is feelings – she is not basing her comment on facts but how you left her feeling! When you were listening did you put your mind in neutral to listen and learn or did you listen until she got to the point so you could speak?
Be honest? There is no judgment, just wanting to establish facts because the next thing that I am going to reveal to you is the game-changer. This will take your conversations from helpless to hero!
There is an art to making a woman feel heard and it is much simpler than you think BUT it requires high focus and intentionality. Very few men achieve this well but when they do oh my god! It is magic!
Here it is:
Focused listening: The art of listening to your woman so she feels heard.
- Set the intention that you want to learn and get courteous about her.
- Put your brain into neutral, not resting or waiting to talk while she assesses for
- Stop everything else you are doing (trust me this will save you time in the long run).
- Clear the decks for any interruptions.
- Look at her – in the eye.
- Let her talk.
- Do not scan for problems. The problem is not at the end. The problem is you scanning for the problem and not listening just to understand her.
- The outcome of the conversation is to only make her ‘feel’ heard by doing all these steps.
- When she is complete, she will sigh. That is when you know she is done.
This may seem very effortful but trust me this is much less effort than having the same BS arguments over not being heard.
Finally, let me explain why her feeling ‘heard’ is so vital. When she ‘feels’ heard she feels seen and when she feels seen she feels safe. If you are the person hearing and seeing her then you are the source of her safety.
That is how you get to be her hero because safety is her number one priority. A woman will do anything it takes to feel safe – even pushing away her man if she doesn’t feel safe with him. Aka not heard! The clues are in the behavior, not the words she speaks.
To really bring this home let me explain how significant safety is for her – it has the same weighting sex has for you! What would you do for more sex, connection, and intimacy?
To summarise gentlemen if you:
- Listen to learn rather than getting your point across
- Focus on her
- Give her eye contact
Then this is the game changer from her moving from fact to feeling heard. When you start communicating in her currency you better be ready for the happy, sexy, and beautiful women you desire. She won’t be able to keep her hands off you!
Make way boys the man has just stepped into the room!