I was moderating a clubhouse room a couple of weeks ago on ‘conscious confidence’ and it became very apparent that lack of confidence is not just a female thing.
In fact, when I look back over the decades of coaching men I realise that their confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth have taken a hammering over the years.
Now, you may say this is no different to women and you would be correct. The only difference here is that men are not taught or encouraged to deal with it on a daily basis. In fact, the opposite occurs they are shamed or guilted into not dealing with it and brush it under the carpet.
Women are encouraged to talk and articulate their emotions from a very young age using over 2/3rds more words than men in a day. Men are told from a very young age – boys don’t cry. Stop shouting. Be quiet. Stop being a cry baby. Man up!
All words that over time require their brains and neurology to bury feelings. To not only not feel but to not express feelings. They are taught to damper down the sounds they use as boys to express the full rainbow of feelings from joy to anger and rage.
It is no wonder that man suicide is so prevalent. According to the charity, The Samaritans, men aged 45-49 have a 25.5% suicide rate compared to women at 7.4%.
Boys and men are being taught to suppress feelings, not release them and when they do bubble to the surface to feel guilt and shame for doing so! This cycle is then passed down from generation to generation and the rise in male depression and mental health continues to increase.
This provides you with a little background as to why men lack confidence in general and now I want to move to why and how to address this problem resulting in men feeling more confident in themselves and then with women.
Before I do, here is why you being more confident is actually going to get you the girl or pull the wife in. It’s a little secret that only the ladies know and I am going to let you in.
Do you want to know what women desire more than anything else?
A confident man. A man who makes the decisions, who leads even if it is not the way she would do it!
I know you are thinking ‘WHAT!!’
It is the biggest turn-on for women when a man takes control. Not in an ‘I am the man and you are the woman’ caveman way but more like a quiet assertiveness. The energy of knowingness and strength. Think of how James Bond presents himself when he walks into the room.
Why does she desire and get turned on by this?
Well, it’s because the number one human need women are magnetized to, yes magnetized to is safety and security. When a woman feels a man can make the difficult decisions (and this is the biggy drop the mic moment), pay attention now – follow through with absolute conviction then she can fully trust him. When she can trust him she can ‘let go’ she no longer needs to protect herself. She can drop into her femininity and be the girly, sexy, powerful temptress that you desire.
She can only do this with a confident man. Why? Trust! She has to be able to trust your word is gold!
So, think back to the past relationships or even current ones where you have made a decision and she has said ‘no I don’t want to do that’ and you back down even though you know in your gut that your decision was the right one? And at a later date, she comes back to you and says you were right.
Here’s what happens in that – you make a decision (lack conviction and therefore confidence), she tests your conviction and says she wants to do something else and you back down because you want to make her happy. For example:
Woman: ‘Where do you want to go for dinner?’
Man: ‘I will take care of it, leave it to me.’
30 seconds later…
Women: ‘I think we should go to The Savoy? Yes, I will book it.’
The man sighs: ‘Ok 😞 – ❌ (Not the response she wants.)
The man: ‘Thank you for the suggestion. I will take care of it.’ ✅ (The response she wants)
I know this is a silly example, but truthfully it doesn’t always start like this? Here’s why not following through with your promises is a problem.
Well, she now believes that you are not a man of your word and can’t trust you with a small decision so how can she trust you to keep her safe?
I know you are thinking she asked to do something different! Yes, she did but women don’t mean what they say they feel what they mean. She is testing if when you are faced with an obstacle so you rise or do you back down?
Can she trust you if the Sabretooth tiger starts to attack, will you be man enough to rise and fight him or will she get eaten in your presence as you run away?
This is literally what is going on in her subconscious. She probably has no idea that she is testing or why she is testing or her response to you. All the while you just want to please her, make her happy and give her what she wants and asks for. Like if she wants to eat at The Savoy – I am ok with that, but she is testing, can she trust you to organise it and follow through?
The logical part of you right now is mind-blown. I know. I cover why she doesn’t mean what she says in my other blog named ‘ Why Women Don’t Say What We Mean’ in-depth. which you can read by clicking here. For now, understand that what she wants is for you to honor your word with confidence especially when she tests. Even when she resists your decision.
Ok, so that is the why for your relationships now let’s look at why confidence is so important for YOU.
Every time you have an experience where you felt a lack of confidence, you gather evidence that you are not good at it. It feels painful and as humans, we are designed to move away from pain. You start to develop a highway of neurons to avoid situations that require confidence and you have a whole library of evidence as to why the no-confidence highway is a safer option. In the meantime, the highway to confidence and the library of evidence that you are confident starts to diminish. You end up with a dirt track to confidence and zero books in that library, this is all going on in your nervous system and you are completely unaware of it.
Over the years you become comfortable with the avoidance highway so much so that it becomes who you are and you start saying ‘I am terrible with women’ or ‘I have no confidence’ or ‘I am not confident.’
The moment you shift lack of confidence as a behavior to your identity – this is when you enter the danger zone. It is very difficult to shift identity but not impossible.
So here is how:
- Notice your self-talk – how often do you say I am not confident? Catch yourself and start to reprogram the language you use e.g. up until now I wasn’t confident or I need to practice confidence in this area.
- Start to gather evidence of other areas in your life where you were confident. Being aware means you can start to fill those empty shelves in your library of evidence for confidence. The mind doesn’t need to know which situation you were confident in. Just that you have evidence of being confident.
- Notice when you lack confidence and be aware of where you feel it in your body. All you do is close your eyes and locate the pain. Once you have it just feel it. Don’t make it a big thing or add a story or a meaning to it. Feelings are just energy moving through our bodies. This is why we say ‘feel the pain’ in the gym. You have to tear the muscle to grow stronger. It will be uncomfortable. Remember, humans, are designed to move away from pain. Stick with it and it will pass.
- When it passes, continue to do the thing or make the decision that you were going to move away from before. Pain is a guide – it’s time to grow.
- Repeat and rise over and over again until the avoidance highway becomes a dirt path and has empty shelves in the library and the confidence dirt path is a highway to happy confident you and the women you are with.
This is my very brief 5 step strategy to kicking lack of confidence in the balls!