In this article, I aim to introduce the complexities of the female communication system, to help you understand why we don’t say what we mean.
While reading this, I want you to breathe and just calm the inner boy that is screaming “this is not fair, this makes no sense” and allow the king within you to rise in order to hear this message.
Here we go; remember to breathe.
‘I am so confused’ is something I hear my executive CEO clients tell me all the time.
“She said she wanted space. So I walked away and gave her space. Then she screamed at me for walking away!”
“I can’t win.”
Well, I am about to reveal why and what you should do about it.
Us women don’t say what we mean, but we feel what we mean.
If you are saying ‘this makes no logical sense’, you’re right, it doesn’t. If a man says ‘I need space’ that is exactly what he needs, right! Logical.
The first thing you need to understand is that men and women have (very) different currencies when it comes to love and how they communicate their needs.
The opposing sexes have a completely different operating system to each other when it comes to the science and art of communication.
Men base their communication and decisions on facts, so they are constantly looking for the facts when they are listening. This enables the logical male brain to establish the problem and solve it, with facts. Job done.
Or it is?
Surely the whole point of communication is to solve the ‘problem’. Right?
Well, that is completely correct for men but it is totally wrong for (most) women.
When you stop expecting your woman to communicate like a man – through facts – that is when you will start to understand her needs. Once you focus on the needs then (and only then!) can you establish the facts and work towards being able to solve her problem. Which, incidentally, is most likely not the one you think it is if you’re only fact-hearing!
Why is the ‘say vs feel’ miscommunication such a big deal?
Well, it’s like going on a journey and you taking the road you decide, based on what you perceive to be the place she wants to go… and then wondering why she is pissed when you get there! The ‘destination’ might even be the place she wants to be, but this is not the route she would have taken to get there.
So after all that, you wind up (and now you’re wound up!) very confused because she said that is where she wanted to go! Fact!
Let me reveal why. Her currency is feelings, not facts.
She may say something but feels something very different. Your next question may well be “well, in that case, how do I know what she wants then?”
“If she says space what does that mean?” She does want space? She doesn’t want space? WTF!?
And here, dear frustrated reader, is the answer. All your above questions might be right, but they also might be completely wrong. This is the secret to success in this arena.. Go beyond the words.
Switch your man brain to neutral and listen for the feelings.
You access this information through your eyes and heart.
What I mean is take a breath and look into her eyes. Put your hand on your heart, turn your ears off, and just feel.
This process will enable you to connect with your gut instinct – this is very difficult when you are feeling attacked.
And, by the way, this deeper level of communication takes courage and practice. But, if you commit to the practice – like the commitment needed to the other targets and goals that you end up achieving in your life – the result is a much deeper level of connection.
If you can go beyond your own feelings (which, remember, are mostly driven by your desire to fact find) and tap into hers three things happen:
1. You grow your emotional intelligence
2. You get on her ‘path’ and are much closer to solving her ‘problem’.
3. She can’t resist a man who can feel her and see beyond her words. And when women feel heard they feel much more deeply connected… and watch what happens when the connection is deeper. If you’ve ever wondered how to become a sex god to her, this is the hack!
This article was not supposed to be ‘how to be a sex god to the woman of your dreams, but if that is the unintended benefit, then so be it! Oh yeah, and when you test the above and it works; you’re welcome – you’ll certainly end up feeling what she means in this instance!